Restoring relationships, one gray area at a time.

Meet Kate Gray, LMFT

“Codependency Kate” — Codependency Therapist, Relationship Specialist & Creator of the BEND Method™

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Featured Products

Avoidance Abuse- Marriage
Avoidance Abuse- Marriage
$0.00

If you're reading this, you may be lonely inside your relationship and unable to explain why. Your partner may be calm, helpful, even a great parent. Nothing "bad" happens that you can point to. And yet you feel unseen, exhausted, and increasingly unsure whether the problem is you.

This guide is for you. It explains a pattern I call avoidance abuse: when emotional avoidance becomes something more, a covert form of power and control. It will help you name what's happening, understand why it's been so hard to see, and figure out what to do next.

How to use it: start with the self-check. If it fits, read on at your own pace. Some of this may be hard to read. That's normal. Take breaks, and reach out to someone you trust. What this guide is, and isn't: it's educational. It isn't a diagnosis of you or your partner, and it isn't a substitute for working with a therapist.

This bundle contains

  • the 25 page Avoidance Abuse guide

  • the Avoidance Abuse Wheel PNG

  • the Self-Abandonment Wheel PNG

Avoidance Abuse - Parent/Child
Avoidance Abuse - Parent/Child
$0.00

If you're reading this, part of you may still be trying to decide whether what happened in your childhood "counts." Maybe your parents provided, showed up to games, and told people they loved you. Maybe it was "just" yelling, or "just" spankings, or "just" the way things were in your family, your church, or your culture. And yet something in you knows it wasn't okay.

This guide is for you. It does two things. First, it explains how power and control can work between parents and children: the overt abuse everyone recognizes, the covert abuse that's harder to name, and the beliefs that keep both in place. Second, it shows how that same control can continue, or change shape, once you're an adult. Many parents:

  • Won't acknowledge what happened, no matter how many times or how carefully you bring it up.

  • Keep blaming you, for your feelings, your "attitude," your therapist, or the distance between you.

  • Change their tune when you turn 18, suddenly wanting equality and friendship, while the covert tactics stay exactly the same.

It will help you name what happened then, see what's still happening now, and figure out what to do next.

Avoidance Abuse - All
Avoidance Abuse - All
$0.00

This bundle contains the Partner Avoidance Abuse bundle and the Power and Control in Childhood bundle.

Avoidance Abuse Bundle:

  • Avoidance Abuse guide, Roadmap, Avoidance Abuse wheel an Self-Abandonment wheel

Power and Control in Childhood Bundle:

  • Power and Control guide, Power and Control wheel, Power and control roadmap, Avoidance Abuse for Adult Children and Parents wheel

Class with Kate: The Show

Submit your story for a case study!

Let us know your specific needs or questions about therapy, couples therapy, and estrangement/marriage/parenting/individual trauma

Submit Your Story

  • "Of all the money I spent in therapy to never be taught anything actually useful. Thank you so much for teaching us what to do and giving us real world tools we can understand and use."

  • "This is Kate, also known as the GOAT of therapy"

  • "As an estranged daughter AND a parent, this was extraordinarily helpful. It explains exactly how my estrangement was inevitable based on my parents parenting and understanding my role now as a parent evolves."

  • "This is a gift. Thank you for breaking this down"

  • "Great explanation, you are so helpful and passionate"

  • "BEND has changed my life the last 6 months. I wasn't sure if it was hormone replacement therapy or you .... and I'm gonna say it's you. This has helped me more than anything after a lifetime of therapy"

  • "You are a stellar educator! Thank you so much!"

  • "As a fellow therapist, I just came here to write to you that I so deeply enjoy your videos, and clear love for this work. It really gives me life"

  • "My show is on!"

  • "You are out here doing the lords work with this whiteboard and your message🙌."

  • "You are brilliant! Just explained to me why my marriage and attempt to connect with my ex husband never worked and how I became the villain in the eyes of his mother and sister"

  • "I've appreciated your content for so long now. I love how vulnerable and adaptable youve been and how honest about how this process has been for you. I think you're only improving and you've helped me so much"

  • "You're awesome. And you've broke through information that has never been expressed."

  • "Your BEND method had improved my parenting & validation skills time after time. I've been doing it for 20 years and it's levelled me up so much!"

  • "Thank you for sharing actual tools . We know what the problem is, don't want to dwell in the past. You're actually giving us mom's tools"

  • ""If you acknowledge the fire downstairs the smoke will clear up here" that resonated in my SOUL I'm so happy you came across my fyp"

  • "Thank you so much Kate! Your account has given me so many tools to be a better parent for my kids. I have been going through a grieving process since becoming a mother over the way I was parented."

  • "This is what new moms should be learning, wish I had this 18 years ago"

  • "THIS is the video I've been looking for! I'm going to write this down and put it on my fridge! I love how put this so matter-of-fact and literal. It's such a big help!"

  • "I have not been afraid to criticize your content so I will not hold back on your brilliance. This is very good and very logical. Very useful !!"

  • "I just want to say thank you for these videos-some from September helped me conceptualize things my therapist was helping me thorugh and it all clicked. I talked about your videos with her this morning and she was cheering me on! I am on my way to tackling this in my life and I thank you!"

  • "You're the only parenting teacher I watch!"

  • "The 'to you' mantra in my head helped significantly this week. Also, recognizing the different parts of BEND. Sussing out why my partner was acting a certain way and what emotion he was feeling and why"

  • ""...my partner and I were joking a bit that we should tell each other to "go get bent" (BEND method) when we notice things escalating"

  • "Win: Taught my husband AND my kids the BEND method. Even wrote it on the big ole white board. ;)"

  • "“This is literally the best sh*t I’ve ever seen on social media. Like for real for real. You’re giving concrete steps on what to do when you feel like you’re in a crisis.”

  • "Love this content! Parenting 101 is so needed"

In The News……

Exciting breakthroughs, noteworthy research, and important social sciences advancements.

Review of the Youth Justice System in England and Wales

Published: December 2016

By Charlie Taylor

Two hands behind a jail cell forming a heart shape

Parenting strategies are shifting as neuroscience brings the developing brain into clearer focus

Published: August 21, 2025 8:35am EDT

Nancy L. Weaver

Professor of Behavioral Science, Saint Louis University

Digital illustration of a human brain made up of glowing interconnected points and lines, with a colorful, blurred abstract background.

The Effect of Spanking on the Brain

Posted: April 13, 2021 by Jill Anderson

Harvard Graduate School of Education

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Check the blog

To The Book List
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To The Blog
Featured
How to Self Regulate
BEND, blog, parenting, trauma, behavior, needs, emotions, desires, emotional forecasting
How to Self Regulate
BEND, blog, parenting, trauma, behavior, needs, emotions, desires, emotional forecasting
Read more →
BEND, blog, parenting, trauma, behavior, needs, emotions, desires, emotional forecasting
Parenting strategies are shifting as neuroscience brings the developing brain into clearer focus
neuroscience, the conversation, parenting, blog, neurobiology, rewards, punishment, nervous system, discipline, behavioral science, behavior
Parenting strategies are shifting as neuroscience brings the developing brain into clearer focus
neuroscience, the conversation, parenting, blog, neurobiology, rewards, punishment, nervous system, discipline, behavioral science, behavior
Read more →
neuroscience, the conversation, parenting, blog, neurobiology, rewards, punishment, nervous system, discipline, behavioral science, behavior
Recommended Reading & Resources
blog, resources, books, podcast, show, coaches, social media, al-anon, nar-anon, al anon, nar anon, ACEs, trauma, spirituality, deconstruction, self, marriage, family systems, reparenting, Christian
Recommended Reading & Resources
blog, resources, books, podcast, show, coaches, social media, al-anon, nar-anon, al anon, nar anon, ACEs, trauma, spirituality, deconstruction, self, marriage, family systems, reparenting, Christian

There is so much information out there, it’s hard to know what’s what. Kate made this resource list to help. In it you’ll find books, podcasts, content creators, coaches, and organizations that share Kate’s values and beliefs as a licensed therapist.

Read more →
blog, resources, books, podcast, show, coaches, social media, al-anon, nar-anon, al anon, nar anon, ACEs, trauma, spirituality, deconstruction, self, marriage, family systems, reparenting, Christian

Check out some helpful resources

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Books, podcasts, coaches, content creators, authors and organizations

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Learn more

Refer a therapist!

Have a therapist you think would be great for others? Let us know! We’ll add them to our therapist referral database (under construction).

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